[Trying to] Embrace the Change

 

[Trying to] Embrace the Change

 

As I sat in the school office watching kids hustle to and fro I asked Him, “Lord, if this is what you want then give me a willing heart, because right now I don’t feel so willing.” But I knew when I saw that sign on the door as I left the school that morning that I needed to fill out an application and at least try.

It’s not that we need the money or that I need to work to make ends meet. After all, I already make a little money here and there from freelance writing. But for some reason, ever since my one and only child left the home for the first time to start first grade in a public school (a change which took many months to embrace), I have been wandering around my house in a daze of bewilderment. Yes, I have school, I have writing, I have housework and yard work, and yes I can walk the dog more, read more, and study more. I can even go to Baskin Robbins by myself. The only problem is I don’t want any of those things. At least not in the way I had thought I would.

My life has revolved around my daughter since the day she was born and now I have this eight hour void of nothingness every day. I don’t know why, exactly, but for the last three weeks I have barely managed to get through even a few pages of a textbook (and am way far behind on my own school work as a result). Today I finally had to admit, among reluctant tears, that I am experiencing something like a post-partum depression. Not that I don’t know God’s truth or am somehow duped into self-degrading thoughts (as I have been many times in the past). It’s just that intense feeling of—loss. Things are changing, like it or not, and right now I’m just trying to survive each day until 3pm when I get to hug my baby girl again.

As much as I had dreamed about typing all day, submitting articles, writing books, being some sort of “authority” in matters such as spiritual freedom and emotional health, God has slowly redirected my focus. He has called me to work as a counselor and more doors have opened for me to work one on one with hurting people in the “real” world, not just in the cyber world; prayer partnering and mentorship, and other ways to be a “lay-counselor” as I finish my education in that field. Some of those people are young women (teens), a ministry I have also dreamt about for many years. Excited to have that opportunity—yes—but the change is still hard to get used to.

Being on the phone and available to others 24/7 is a blessing, though. Seeing how God is changing hearts and paving the way for grace to be known is beyond compare to any writing ministry or church “work” I have ever been a part of. He’s creating a new passion within me, and for the first time in the past two years, that passion does not revolve around being an author or even a writer (though I will still continue to do this blog, so don’t get too excited).

And for the past few years I have prayed for God to allow me to earn some sort of income so that I could bless others as I have been blessed (I’m not in a situation where I can just take my husband’s paycheck and do whatever I want with it). I had thought the answer to that prayer would be through writing, but then I found myself filling out that application to make $8 an hour, a wage I last earned when I worked as a janitor in a hospital over ten years ago. At least for now, as I adjust to the new schedule, the new routine of quiet that is my home now, I need to get out there and get to work. Not to be busy for the sake of being busy, but to allow God to answer my prayers in His way, not my way.

It’s funny how in a matter of hours God can transform a stubborn heart into a yearning one. One that found itself asking to land this minimum wage job and dreaming of the ways this money could be used to minister to others.

But wait, there’s more. Not only did my Unexpected God change my heart on the matter, but He had some other surprises in store like a husband getting a HUGE promotion at work. Only two months ago my husband had suggested, “If you got even a part time, small job, we could really build up our savings fast.” I huffed and ga-fawed (yeah I made that word up) and crossed my arms in defiance, “I have a real job! Just because I don’t earn a steady paycheck like you…” And then I saw that ad for the cafeteria job and filled out the application in a blind moment of complete trust, surrendering my heart to God. It was only after that moment that my husband got his new position at work and told me, “Hey, you don’t even need to get a job, honey. I just want you to stay home.”

And you know what? Now I actually want to go out and be with real people in the real world. I want to take the light of Jesus beyond my computer. I want that minimum wage, four-hour-a-day job. Though I suppose being a “known” author would be glamorous to some extent, the change in hearts God has generously allowed me to be a part of over the past few months is worth far more than any book contract. So, if I don’t get that cafeteria job, I’ll look for another “real job” because I am going to embrace the change. I’m un-crossing my arms and saying, “Ok, Lord. Where you tell me to go is where I’ll go.”

If you’re on the fence of surrender I’ll help you make the decision a bit faster. Trust God’s will and timing in all things, and trust that He can and will change your heart if you only ask Him to. One prayer is never denied an answer, and that is, “Lord, give me a heart that is willing.”

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Instruction

“It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.” Psalm 119:71 NIV

Instruction

Every day we are learning. We learn from past experiences, we learn from what others teach us (erroneously or not), we learn from what we read, what we watch, what we absorb through various means of media; we are constantly learning.

God can and will use many things to teach us his ways. The Psalmist mentions the use of afflictions as a blessing rather than a curse. “It was good…” How often are we overcome with afflictions and declare, “Wow this is great”? Well, I know I am not usually responding that way. Often it is not until the trial is long past that I can see any good. Sometimes I have never understood the good. There are some circumstances I hope and expect to understand someday when I see Jesus face to face but until then I ask, “What am I to learn?” I don’t want to miss what the trial was teaching. For whatever reason God has allowed the hardness into our lives, we can be sure there is something there to be learned.

“Even though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.” Hebrews 5:8

Afflictions bring us into obedience, and Christ Himself learned this lesson! What a privilege to be tested in the same way as the Son of God! How do you react to the test? Does it bring you to obedience or do you feel compelled to rebel in anger and self-pity?

“But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction.” Job 36:15

We can’t talk about afflictions without mentioning Job. Surely, this righteous man of God knew a thing or two about suffering unjustly! What happened? God spoke to him through his afflictions. Which, by the way, God sovereignly allowed to come upon Job for no other reason than the devil asked God if he could test him! No secret sin to be revealed in Jobs life, only the certainty that Job would remain faithful to God and not curse him or fall into the poisonous cycle of cynicism. God delivered him, and spoke to him while he was suffering. God meets us in our affliction, and teaches us there. We must not shut our eyes or cover our ears to his message during that time! Self-pity is the number one silencer to the voice of God. Focus on yourself for a while and you’re sure to lose sight of any lesson God was trying to teach you.

“I applied my heart to what I observed and I learned a lesson from what I saw.” Proverbs 24:32

Are we determined to see Gods message? This is another vital point in the afflicted one. We must press on and wrestle if we are to discover the lesson God has set before us. I don’t want to leave any trial without that “blessing”. I have said as much in my prayers, “Lord, I am not leaving here until you show me what I am to know!” Sometimes he wants us to persevere and show some determination. Do we give up or press on? How focused are we on getting taught?

“We can rejoice too when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.” Romans 5:3

“For God is pleased with you when you do what you know is right and patiently endure unfair treatment.” 1 Peter 2:19

How else can we experience Gods pleasure over our passing the test unless we’ve been put to the test? How else can we mature as believers unless we are stretched like an archers bow? Are we willing to endure trials in faithfulness to receive the prize that is waiting? Do we trust that we will gain what he has promised through the refining fire?

We behave what we believe. If we’re not behaving like we trust him, we need to find out exactly what we believe about him.

“Burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord has comforted his people and will have compassion on them in their suffering.” Isaiah 49:13

Know that God is not pleased that we must endure suffering, but he is pleased when we come out of it shining with a crown of endurance! We can be sure he is pleased when we have sought his face and desired to learn his lessons with the pain! We can know that he is waiting to tell us, “Well done!” And won’t that be a marvelous day indeed! Well worth any trial!

Lastly, may our afflictions teach us not only how to trust our Lord, seek him, lean on him, and listen to him, but also to be contented with him.

“I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, (Every situation!) whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little.  I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:12-13

Christ Himself gives us His strength to endure any trial allowed in our path. That alone should elicit a shout of praise, “Teach me more of your wonderful ways!”

Prayer

Thank you, Jesus, for being my guide and for using whatever means necessary to teach me your ways. I confess the times I have indulged in self-pity and loathed over my circumstances. I confess the times I have focused so much on my own misery I have completely missed you in the trial. I don’t want to leave here without understanding your lesson for me at this moment. Teach me your word and help me to trust you more. Bring me to that state of contentment in any situation; that is my prayer. I want to hear you say “Well done” when I see you face to face so I ask for your endurance through these difficulties. You have called me to press on, and I accept this calling with joy!