Enough…..

Yesterday was one of “those” days.  I sank into that darkness and allowed myself to be there. Overwhelmed by my circumstances because I chose to be overwhelmed. Did God make me overwhelmed? Did He design me to worry, and carry my burdens alone? No. I see that, I saw that, yet I turned from that truth and chose to wallow.

“As pressure and stress bear down on me, I find joy in your commands.” Psalm 119:143 

This morning as I lay in my bed, awake far earlier than I needed to be, I became acutely aware of God’s presence.  He wouldn’t let me go back to sleep. So I got up, made my coffee, and sat and listened. What, God, what?

“I’m giving you an opportunity.”

Me: “Is that so? I’m not sure ‘opportinity’ is the word I’d use.”

“I’m giving you an opportunity to trust Me, an opportunity others don’t always recognize.”

Me: “Ohhhh, I see. I thought I did trust you?”

“Your behavior gives you away. You don’t believe; you doubt. You say Psalm 119:143 over and over, yet it’s not true. It’s not real to you, it’s what you want, but you don’t have it….yet.”

Me: “I want it to be real! I want to believe it and live it!”

“Remember, it is harder for the wealthy to enter My kingdom, easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle, actually.  You truly learn to trust Me when I am all you have, when I am your only hope, your only comfort, your only companion. When your friend leaves you, when money is gone, when your child is ill, when you are ill, and when you cannot fix any of it yourself, then you learn to trust. I am teaching you how to trust. Will you learn?”

Me: “It hurts, so much.”

“You are not alone. I have never gone anywhere. You choose to walk away from Me when you don’t believe.”

Me: “Teach me, I am ready to learn! Thank you for giving me this opportunity, I don’t want to waste it! I confess my unbelief!”

Nothing changed in my circumstances, but He began to change me.  In class this morning we talked of Truth. How I needed that! We act what we believe! The light bulb deep down flickers as we discuss….

We live our whole lives trying to be what God already made us. Who am I? I am a new creation, with a new heart, a heart that he turned from stone to flesh the moment I became His. That’s who I am; yet I live my life as if I need to attain that. Do this, be better at that…but I’m failing! Of course I am failing, because I am trying to be what he already made me! What I need to do is walk in the truth of what He said I already am. Live the truth of His word. I cannot do this unless I allow Him to grab hold of my heart. I cannot do it by grabbing Him, He has to call me, speak to me, and open my eyes to who I am in Jesus, and what His heart is towards me.

My new friend passes me a paper, “God just spoke to me for you”.

Paper reads:

“Paying bills in the spirit, paying bills in the flesh.

Faith vs Flesh

The battle begins at the first look—Thinking there is more than what I have in front of me.

Humble and grateful for all that I have, lots or little.

Are we thanking Him?

Thank you Lord for paying this bill. Asking Him to guide you to the rest.

What has God placed on my plate?—-What am I doing with what God has given,

protected and nothing

sharing a little

making a difference

giving what I’ve been given.”

My eyes were opening. On the way from class to the worship service I prayed….

Grab my heart, make me to see.

First the music….

He is mighty to save….

Yes, He is, I know that….and then He grabbed me…..

 “These sufferings, this passing tide, under Your wings I will abide, and every enemy shall flee. You are my hope and victory. Praise the Father, praise the Son, praise the Spirit three in One; clothed in power and in grace, the Name above all other names.”

Weeping….I can’t even sing anymore. My friends behind me lay hands on me and pray. My friend next to me holds my hand. They know, they understand my pain and they care. But even if they didn’t, I know He would be enough.  He is enough. He is all I need.  My hope and victory is the Name above all names! I have victory, I don’t need to try to get what I already have! Eyes are open!

Then the sermon…..

“All the believers were united in heart and mind. And they felt that what they owned was not their own, so they shared everything they had. The apostles testified powerfully to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and God’s great blessing was upon them all. There were no needy people among them, because those who owned land or houses would sell them and bring the money to the apostles to give to those in need.” Acts 4:32-35

Wow! I couldn’t think of anyone in my life that unselfish and sacrificial, including myself! No, in my case I try and try and try to make it work in my own power. What little (and I mean little) I have I feel like I need or else….

I won’t be able to pay my bills

I won’t have my physical needs met

I won’t be able to feed my child

Or will I? No, I only think I am doing those things, when in reality I was never doing those things. It was always God, not me. And I was ungrateful because I thought I needed more! No God, it’s not enough. I need a “best” friend  an ‘ana duo’ like she has, I need health, I need food, I need money for bills…..Or do I? I am trying to get what I already have….Jesus. He is all. I need nothing else.

At that moment, when God changed my vision, I realized I had too much. I wanted to get rid of it. Oh how selfish a creature I am! Attempting to hang tightly on to what…scraps of money that isn’t “enough” to do what I need it to do? How ridiculous! I have the richest Ruler of all living in my heart, directing my steps, is He not fully capable of making provision? How dare I think “it’s not enough”! Oh when those scales fall off it’s marvelous! Freeing! No longer do I need to worry about getting this tumor removed, paying rent, or having a friend who understands me. I don’t need to make it happen, or force anything. God has intentionally placed me where He wants me, and that is where I want to be!

Give now.

Me: “Ok, how much?”

Sacrificially. I will take care of you.

When you hear Him so loudly, how can you not trust?! He was right in front of me. It was easy, all of a sudden, to give it away. It was never mine to begin with. Contentment that is not forced…that is a treasure. No longer am I trying to be content, because I realize IN HIM I have contentment already. No more trying, just resting. I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know how He will work it out, I just know that He will. And it has nothing to do with me. I just needed to quit trying so hard to do His job. I needed to pray, “Grab my heart….open my eyes.”

I picked up my sweet girl from Sunday School and found another answered prayer. A teacher she had been having trouble with for months, afraid of and refusing to be around,  well Samantha was in her class and happy! So long I had prayed for that, and somewhat given up on the request. But there it was, a miracle before my eyes! And those who knew the situation knew it was a miracle!

“And you doubt Me.” 

Me: Thank you, Jesus. Thank you….

Home now….Not even yelling spouse or crying child will bring me back to the “self” I had been lost in.  Home is wonderful, the home He provided. It is enough because He was there….

He is here.

That is all I need, I have enough.

He is enough, and no one could make Him be enough except for Him.

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Cravings

“How sweet your words taste to me, they are sweeter than honey.” Psalm 119:130 NLT

Cravings

What is the first thing you crave in the morning, your normal breakfast food fair? Do you crave cereal, toast, cinnamon rolls, donuts, or are you like me, stumbling and fumbling around hopelessly in search for your coffee?

When you see the word “craving”, you may think of a woman who is pregnant. The stereotypical ideal is that this woman craves pickles and ice cream at crazy hours of the night. (Not my experience, but who am I to judge?) Or perhaps we think of the dieter trying to avoid carbs and sugar at all costs. That poor soul, all they can think about is what they cannot have, which is everywhere on every street corner!

Sometimes you don’t realize you have a craving until the smell hits you. I know this has happened to me many times. I don’t even feel hungry until I step outside and someone somewhere is barbequing.

Mm mm

Now all of a sudden I am starving! In fact, I am fairly certain at this point I may come into physical harm and/or discomfort unless I fix my craving.

Can you imagine loving and craving the Word of God like you do your favorite food? It’s really sad that I even had to type that. The fact is we spend time and consume our lives in what we love. We seek these things out, we prioritize them. When we wake up in the morning, that thing is on our minds.

Work

Kids

Meetings

Ministries

Duties

People

Pleasures

Hobbies

Is God’s word the first thing we crave as we take our waking breath in the morning? Is his sustenance what we crave as the day unfolds before us? When we are bewildered and befuddled are we craving a word from our Savior, or a word from another person who can say what we want to hear but not necessarily what is best for us?

People get so fixated on their craving they may lack total self-control when it comes to food. Often times it is sweets, chocolate, candy and sugars that are the greatest downfalls. Yet the psalmist describes the Bible as being the sweetest thing he has ever tasted! So sweet he craved it over and over, he loved it, he was obsessed with every word of it, he couldn’t get enough of it, he couldn’t wait to dig into it, he couldn’t wait to discover more treasures in it. Now that is the healthiest craving a person could ever hope to have!

Feast on the sweetest sugar of all, the word of God, but never gain weight! His word is always perfect for us, satisfying, never too much, never more than enough. It is just right. There is no such thing as too much of this sweetness! Indulge yourself! You need not ever diet when you’re feasting on this truth!

Wake up, have your breakfast of truth, the real breakfast of champions. And make sure to balance that out with several “meals” throughout the day. You don’t want your spiritual metabolism getting too slow.

“Come all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come buy and eat! Come; buy wine and milk with no money and without cost. Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor for what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good and you will delight in the richest fare.” Isaiah 55:1-2 TNIV

Prayer

Jesus, as I start the day you have so mercifully blessed me with, I ask that you give me a new desire for your word. Plant in me a deep craving for the only bread that doesn’t cost money yet satisfies the deepest longing of my heart like no other. Every day I eat food to satisfy my physical needs, I eat consistent meals to stay healthy, yet I neglect to stay consistent in your word. Give me consistency and balance throughout the day, so my spiritual life will be healthy and radiate your truth.

I Wanted A Piece Of Fruit; God Gave Me A Smoothie

For the last few days all I have been craving is a good piece of fresh fruit. That doesn’t sound so complicated I suppose….except for one little hitch. I can’t afford to go buy one little piece of fruit right now. It’s not that I don’t have food in my house, or that I have a puffed out bloated tummy like a starving child in Africa. No, I am well fed. It’s just a tough time for us, and right now we have no grocery budget, and have to make due with what we have in the cabinets. None of that happened to be fresh fruit or any type of fruit juice. *sigh* Ok, not the end of the world, I can drink some water and pretend.

When I look at my circumstances, they don’t look desirable. In fact, one could say they “suck”.  Someone told me the other day, “It always seems that bad things happen to good people. And you’re better than me because at least you go to church, and look at all this stuff happening to you. I don’t understand it or think it’s fair. You derserve better.” I suppose if I had entertained that line of thought I could have easily talked myself in to one massive pity party like I have done so many times in the past. But this time I knew it would be different. This time I had trust. This time I was not going to allow my circumstances and the storms of life to affect my attitude and spiral me into a fit of worry. Hey, if I have to live off of cereal and bread for two weeks, then so be it. I’ll live. It could be worse. In the past I would have been freaking out, wringing my hands, upset because I couldn’t eat exactly what I wanted. Upset because I didn’t know how rent was going to be paid or how needs would be met. Having major anxiety attacks and major anger problems. But this time was different. God got ahold of me. I knew that no matter what, I was where He wanted me to be, and He was my Provider. I knew I could trust Him. It might not be what I wanted (No Steak and Shrimp, God??) but it would be what I needed. So I relaxed and let God take care of it. Trusting God didn’t change my circumstances. It changed ME. That’s when the light bulb went on. This whole thing isn’t about crying out to God when I need something and watching him fix it and make my life easier. It’s about trusting Him even when my circumstances DON’T change. It’s about loving Him, praising Him, and fixing my eyes on Him even when everything around me gives me every reason to lose hope. To turn my back and complain. To say “It’s not fair!”  First God wants my undivided attention. He wants my trust in Him, and he doesn’t want that trust to be conditional based on what He is doing for me. Just think…if everything was always so grand in my life, then would I really appreciate or even notice the awesome ways God moves around me? Probably not. God isn’t just in the big things, He is all around me in the little things, in all the details. And he wants me to SEE HIM in it, and PRAISE HIM for it! Every day should be an AWESOME GOD day! Not just the days that are going well, or the successful days or the happy days. God allows these things in my life to show Himself to me in an even more intimate way. What a loving and nurturing God! He says:

“‘I will satisfy with…abundance and my people will be filled with My bounty.’ declares the Lord.'” Jeremiah 31:14(NIV)

Well, you wonder, did your awesome God give you your fruit?? Let me tell you. My dear friend surprised me with a couple bags of groceries, after a day at the park. Along with that was a bag a freshly picked oranges from one of her neighbors trees. When I brought the groceries home and started unloading them, I quickly realized that not only was God involved, but He was ALL OVER this! Every item pulled from these bags was something my family normally eats, and some were things my daughter had been asking for for weeks! Now, mind you, my friend was not aware of any of our normal eating habits, likes or dislikes. All she had was the leading of the Holy Spirit, and she followed it! As my daughter slept during her nap I took one of the bananas my friend gave us, and two of the fresh oranges. Found some ice cream in the freezer, and made myself a wonderfully delightful, fresh fruit smoothie. And as I sat there in the couch in silence reflecting on the awesomeness of my God’s provision I thought, “Hey, all I wanted was a piece of fruit, but God gave me a smoothie!”

What’s my point? Simply this: God allows us to face things in our lives to reveal Himself to us more through our circumstances and through other people. He used a friend of mine today, who I have only known for a few weeks, to greatly bless my family. Her generosity and kindness was God honoring and her faithfulness to Him is no doubt going to be rewarded. But how could she have served unless someone was in need? In the same way, all of us have needs or circumstances, and God makes us, as His children, a perfect match to fulfill those needs in each others lives. We just have to be in tune with the Holy Spirit, and be obedient to His voice. Maybe we should look at trials differently. Maybe we should take a moment to stop, and ask God to show Himself to us. What is it that He wants us to see? Who is it He wants us to help? Who is it that He may use to help us?

The bottom line is that He uses all of us to enrich each other, but ultimately He is the sole Provider, and the sole Caretaker.

“Preserve me, O God: for in Thee do I put my trust.” Psalm 16:1

Preserve-(Hebrew definition)

a prim. root; to hedge about (as with thorns) i.e. to guard; to protect; attend to…etc.-beware, be circumspect, take heed (to self), keep(-er, self), mark, look narrowly, observe, preserve, regard, reserve, save, sure, (that lay) wait (for) watch(-man)

If you look at the original Hebrew definition of “preserve” you see all that it implies. We could re-phrase this verse in many other ways to understand it further, based on this definition, and therefore gain a greater knowledge of how God truly cares for us.

Mark me, O God…”

“Look narrowly after me, O God…”

“Observe me, O God…”

“Regard me, O God…”

“Save me, O God…”

“Lay wait for me, O God…”

“Be my Watchman, O God…”

“Put a hedge about me with thorns, O God…”

“Protect me, O God…”

“Attend to me, O God…”

“Be my Keeper, O God…”

He IS our Hedge, our Keeper, our Protector, our Attendant, our Watchman….He regards us, He saves us, He observes us, He looks narrowly after us….

What a God!! What is there not to trust? Even in the small things, in the big things, in ANY thing. HE IS THERE, we need to look for HIM, and He will be found. Allow Him to use your circumstances for His glory, before you throw up your hands in frustration. Ask Him to satisfy your soul with His goodness, BEFORE your circumstances change.

“For He satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness.” Psalm 107:9