Tag Archives: marriage

The Plank and the Speck–BE the Change: CHOICES {Part 3}

“How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”—Matthew 7:4-5, NIV

Possibly one of the greatest challenges I’ve faced in my spiritual walk has been living in an “unequally yoked” marriage. The constant pull between personal convictions and trying to live in peace with my spouse has often been an excruciatingly intense struggle. These days, though, there are far more rainbows and roses in our relationship than storm clouds, but it took many years and a lot of personal soul-searching to finally reach that point.

 
I’m often asked by other women in difficult marriage situations (not speaking about abusive relationships, here) who wonder how I’ve come to be so at peace in my marriage, or how I cope with the challenges rather than throw in the towel. My response to them is not generally well tolerated. And most of these women who once wanted advice from me are now no longer speaking to me. So what have I said and done to tick so many people off?

 
I chose to focus on ME, repeatedly asking God to change my own heart, rather than that of my husband.

 
Novel concept, I know!

 
That’s not to say I always did so willingly or joyfully, but rather out of sheer necessity. When I first “came back” to God, I constantly prayed for my husband’s heart to change. Of course I wanted him to love Jesus and all that jazz, but my deeper motive in prayer wasn’t his spiritual life but rather my own comfort and happiness.

 

 

“When you ask you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasure.”—James 4:3, NIV

This is where many spouses are brought to the end of their rope, and what motivates them to try to find help or counsel, their lives have become a leaky faucet of misery as their focus is continuously on the wrong-doings of their significant other. I get it because I’ve been there! In my situation, raising a child in a home where my husband and I disagreed on so much was just plain hard. And if God changed my husband’s heart (to agree with me about everything, of course, and to pick up his dirty socks…) then my life would certainly be much more pleasant and stress-free.

 
But, God being, well, GOD, knew my motives were off. And instead of instantly “poofing” my husband into everything I wanted him to be, He instead chiseled my heart into the ever-changing diamond He is designing it to be. And that whole chiseling thing hurts. A lot. Because it reveals my planks, logs, beams, or whatever you want to call them, instead of the specks, splinters, or otherwise tiny dust particles in my husband (who IS a believer now, but still leaves his dirty socks on the floor. In fact, I’m looking at them right now…).

 
At first I too was a woman who scoffed at the notion that I needed to change instead of my husband. I hated that kind of advice with a passion. One instance I remember in particular was a valued and trusted friend encouraging me to be more intentional about sex with my husband. The nerve! Easy for her to say, she was in a peaceful happy marriage! But for me, sex was typically the last thing on my mind because I was too butt-hurt over all the horrible things my spouse did (things that don’t seem so horrible now, in hindsight). But you know what? She was right! And choosing to be intentional about our sex life before I actually “felt like it” (you know, choosing to show love with actions instead of waiting for my emotions to “feel” like doing loving things) helped our marriage more than the nagging or resentment ever did. The point is, my behavior needed to change first, before my emotions would follow.

 
So, when a woman comes to me and complains how selfish and awful her husband is (again, not talking about abusive relationships!) and I gently try to share my journey of personal transformation rather than justifying her complaints, she usually gets upset with me and seeks advice elsewhere. But I can’t in good conscience sit here and join the spousal bashing. We are in far more control over our happiness and joy than we think. It really is a choice. A choice that is rooted in desiring change within ourselves, and doing whatever it takes to let God work that out—instead of focusing on all the wrongs being committed against us.

 
Ultimately God helped me see that the only change I can control is the change in my own heart. So, over time my prayers changed from grumbles against my husband to repentance against the sins I was committing against him with my attitudes and behaviors. I sought to treat my husband as I wanted to be treated, whether or not I felt like he “deserved” it. This often meant embracing the role of “servant” (not in a slave kind of way, but in an acts-of-service-to-others kind of way). God repeatedly brought me to 1 Peter 3, and the need to show my husband with my actions rather than my preaching (nagging, Bible-thumping, etc.).

 
Is your spouse inconsiderate or selfish? Do they hold to different faith perspectives than you? Do they act in ways that disappoint and discourage you? My best advice is to serve your spouse in love, and ask God to see your spouse through HIS eyes rather than your own. This prayer is what opened the door of change in my own heart. In fact, asking God to see my husband through His eyes is what allowed me to finally see how the choices I had made out of anger or resentment had so deeply hurt him (see: Waiting for Redemption). Yes, I suppose it would be easier to just call it quits and throw in the towel. Sign some papers and wipe your hands of the whole thing. Find some other guy/gal who makes you “happier” and agrees with you about everything, but ultimately, those aren’t the solutions that will bring lasting peace and joy because the root issues (within yourself) aren’t dealt with, but rather denied and ignored. God wants to change us first, so that our life can be a witness to motivate change in others.

 
Whether we are dealing with a spousal relationship or another type of relationship (familial, friendship, coworker) the principle still applies: choose to ask God to change your heart instead of focusing on how you are being wronged. Choose to forgive. Choose to serve that person instead of gossiping about them. Choose to pray for a new perspective. Choose to ask God to help you love the person as God loves them.

 
Is everything perfect, now that my husband sits next to me at church every Sunday he’s not working, or now that he’s bought me more flowers in the last nine months than in the previous nine years? Of course not! If anything, I have come to see that no matter how “great” my husband is, and how much he “changes” still has little effect on my happiness, peace and joy. Why? Because my happiness, peace, and joy come from JESUS, not life’s circumstances. Certainly things are more peaceful around here, but my husband is still the same person with the same personality and quirks. Being a Christian doesn’t necessarily mean he picks up his socks consistently. I still have a choice every day whether or not I will serve, love, and respect my husband or nag, resent, and slander his character to my girlfriends. Sometimes I still choose the latter, but those instances are coming fewer and farther between as God continues to transform my heart to align more with the character of Christ. By choosing to BE the change instead of nagging for him to change, God has brought about peace within me and within our marriage. And, as an added bonus (blessing) I now get to enjoy things like going to church with my husband instead of going alone.

 
So, if you really want that person to get the splinter out of their eye so your life will be a little less stressful, I suggest asking God to remove the beam in your eye first. Be the example of change with your life, attitudes, reactions, responses, and actions. How you choose to behave/respond while under adversity will speak far greater volumes to the “problem person” in your life than begging God to change that person or nagging them into behaving how you’d like them to. Choose respect, forgiveness, mercy, service, and the greatest of these things, LOVE. Ask God to transform your heart into a 1 Corinthians 13 heart. It WILL hurt, and it WON’T be easy, but the peace that results will far surpass the temporary pain that comes from sacrifice, submission, and developing a life of humility before others.

 

 

 

“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”—Matthew 5:5-9, NIV

***PLEASE NOTE: This article is NOT referencing marriages where adultery, pornography use, physical or emotional abuse, or other more serious offenses have occurred. This is not in any way representative of such deeper struggles and is not intended to brush those issues under the rug or blame those behaviors on the victim. We are each responsible only for our own choices and responses, not the choices of others! If you are in an abusive relationship, or have a spouse immersed in pornography or sexual sin, please seek the help of a professional. Your spouse’s choices are not your fault or because of anything you have done to “deserve” such treatment. You are not responsible for their actions/choices.

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See also CHOICES PART 1: Freedom to Choose

CHOICES PART 2: Careful, that Fence Could Give You a Massive Wedgie
I will be continuing this series on choices in much greater detail, if you haven’t already, please enter your email under the “Follow” tab to receive new posts in your inbox. No spam! Just new posts, (usually two to four posts a month at most). If you found this website to be of encouragement to you, please share it with your friends!

 

**If you are struggling in an unequally yoked marriage, and need resources for reading or help, please email me at RebeccaAarup@mail.com and I would be happy to share some books/resources that have helped me greatly along my journey.**

If You Really Want the World to Change, it Starts with This

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach the transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you.” Psalm 51:12-13

After Nathan confronted King David regarding his sin with Bathsheba, David’s spiritual eyes were open to the bondage he had been held to for nearly a year’s time. His sin had left a gaping wound in his relationship with God, and during this time he experienced a void where God’s presence and peace should have been. When David finally came to a place of repentance he was changed from the inside out. He was released from the bondage of rebellion, lust, envy, and deception, among other things.

But David’s repentance didn’t just serve to restore his own relationship with God. In being released from the bondage of sin and once again experiencing God’s perfect peace and freedom (life to the full, see John 10:10), sinners were brought to redemption. First, his own joy of salvation needed to be restored, then he was enabled to teach others the truth, and only then were sinners restored to God.

We live in an age where the Church is hyper-focused on the behavior of the world, when it should be hyper-focused on the spiritual health of its members. We have churches full of people anxious and willing to serve, yet these same Christians have unwilling spirits when it comes to personal repentance. Yes, we can teach the truth of the Word even while living in bondage, but the impact will not be as effective as it was meant to be. In order to see the revival we so long for in our society, we need Christians asking God for a willing heart; a heart willing to uncover any bondage of pride, bitterness, fear, anxiety, depression, self-pity, legalism, double-mindedness, inconsistency, criticism of others, malicious attitudes, and impure motives. A heart that wants to experience the fullness of the joy of the salvation it proclaims to others.

Imagine if believers not only taught about the value of life, but demonstrated it with their own actions. Maybe then the issues of abortion and suicide would start to be impacted in a positive way. Instead, we have Christians preaching about the sanctity of life, while failing to even treat their own temples with respect and care. Never mind what our poor examples are teaching our children about their own value in God’s eyes. Really, the way society is should not surprise us. We’re stuffing our faces with Big Macs and preaching about the sanctity of life at the same time. Do we really believe we are fearfully and wonderfully made and that our bodies are temples? Our behavior gives us away every time.

And how often do we preach of racial tolerance, yet some churches are still segregated by race (this has always baffled me)?

Or we’re quick to boycott the next business that supports gay marriage, because we believe homosexuality is against God’s plan, yet many Christians fail to even ask God what His plan is for their own lives—nor do they care. They’d rather do what they want and ask God to bless it. No bother of His plan for us to forgive each other, live in peace, and be united in Christ. Instead, we can hate each other, tear each other down, gossip and slander each other, then go and tell the world to follow God’s will or go to hell.

Only when Christians experience life to the full will the lost be reconciled. It’s up to each of us, as believers, to commit to believing the truth and experiencing the freedom we were created for on a daily basis. It starts with us, and that influence spreads to others, one person at a time. Experiencing freedom as individual Christians will impact the lives of others. People will see our peace and joy despite our circumstances, and they will want that for themselves. We need Christians with integrity to rise up and speak (in love) to each other. Instead of calling the world out, we should call each other out. The problem is not the world—we cannot hold the world to a standard (the Bible) it has not accepted as authority. The problem is with the Church and its members who are living in bondage. The world sees no difference in the believer, and therefore no need to live by the rules that believer proclaims. Sure, the world sees Christians who attend church and preach a lot, but do they see Christians really living in peace? Or just believers who live to point fingers? This needs to change! It starts with each of us, one at a time, choosing to live by the truth minute by minute, day by day, despite our feelings and circumstances.

Living free and full of joy and peace is an attractive way of life, something the world is desperately searching for. Let’s stand together as warriors for truth, proclaiming it with our lives (not more religious duties but more sincere and godly attitudes), not just our words. Perhaps the next wave of revival will be ushered in by a group of people who made a choice to follow and actually believe the words of Jesus once and for all—no turning back, no turning back. Choose to believe God’s truth today, and don’t look back!

“He has put a new song in my mouth…many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.” Psalm 40:3

“Let everything you do reflect the integrity of your teaching.” Titus 2:7b, NLT

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profilepic3Rebecca Aarup is a redeemed prodigal, set free from over a decade of mental illness, eating disorders, addiction, and more. She now enjoys sharing her story of freedom and transformation with a lost and hurting world, as well as teaching about spiritual warfare and the importance of understanding our identity in Christ.

Rebecca is also an author and freelance writer, having written devotionals and teaching articles for a variety of publications including The Secret Place (Judson press), Evangel (Light and Life Communications), and Mustard Seed Ministries. Beyond writing, Rebecca is a wife, home-schooling mom, and Bible student at Liberty University. She lives in Glendale, Az with her husband Chris and daughter, Samantha.  You can read more from Rebecca by following her on twitter and facebook.

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Keeping it Fresh: How Technology Can Help Your Marriage

Technology has its downsides, but it has its upsides too. Recently my husband bought me a new phone (something I was resistant too initially and made no effort to hide my complaints). As I got familiar with this new, and maybe a bit complicated, piece of technology, I discovered an “app” that allows me to record events, appointments, and even shopping lists. The coolest thing about this feature was that everyone on our phone plan could sign in from their phones or computers and view or make changes to the calendar or shopping list. Now my husband and I have a way to keep track with what each of us was doing, eliminating confusion and misunderstanding regarding our respective schedules.

My husband found an even better use for this feature, though. He likes to send me secret messages using the shopping list. For instance, today he added “something special for Rebecca” to the shopping list. Now that made me smile. Not only was it endearing, but I knew he was thinking about me even if he had not verbally communicated it (which is important to many women, including myself). In turn I left an item on the shopping list “I love you, husband”.

Sometimes we need to lighten up and take a step away from the grueling demands of life. With work, bills, health problems, children, LIFE, it can be tempting to let the little things fall by the wayside. My husband and I have found a way to use what can be considered a curse by many to be a blessing and tool in our marriage.

How about you? Have you and your spouse discovered ways to use technology to help add a unique flavor to your relationship?  How do you “keep it fresh” in new and unexpected ways?

The First Fight

Suggested Reading: Genesis 30:1-3

Trouble was brewing in paradise.

Jacob worked 14 years to marry his true love, Rachel, yet all those years were as “a few days” because he loved her so much. They finally got married and lived happily ever after-well, not exactly. Jacob had been tricked into marrying Rachel’s older sister, Leah, so now there was competition. Rachel soon noticed her sister bearing child after child while she remained barren.

As women sometimes do, Rachel snapped at Jacob, demanding he give her children. As I read this story I had to laugh. It was the first recorded marital spat in the Bible and it was eerily reminiscent of many fights I’ve experienced in my own marriage.

I suspect I’m not the only one who struggles with this. I have a problem so I inadvertently demand my spouse fix it, whether I say it outright like Rachel, or imply it with my poor attitude. Either way, it takes my focus off the One who can actually solve my problems and give me peace.

Jacob, enraged at Rachel’s attitude, declares, “Am I God? He is the one responsible!” In other words, “Woman, what is wrong with you? Your beef is with God, not me!”

And so it is with me and you. Our beef isn’t really with a person, place or thing. It is with God, for He allowed the circumstance, the person, the event to take place. Instead of griping at our spouses or complaining about our problems on social networks, we should get on our knees and take it up with God. I suspect we’d find, in the presence of the Holiest of Holies, we really have no argument at all.

Opportunity Knocks-Loud and Obnoxious

Yesterday was a bad “grace” day. By mid-afternoon I was pleading with God to take my physical discomfort away, reminding Him (because He needs reminders) of all the things I needed to do and how my pain was hindering His kingdom work.

I didn’t get a response.

Sometimes, no response IS the response as He allows me to see the foolishness of my human thought processes.

As I contemplated what to write about today, maybe a new 2-Minute devo, God finally offered a suggestion.

Be honest.

Oh, right, good idea.

The truth is, after my latest blog series on respect, serving spouses, and nagging, God gave me ample opportunities to practice what I “preached”. The problem is, The Little Man was pounding away at the base of my neck and showing grace to my husband took a backseat to my personal discomfort.  I mean, should I really be required to serve, respect, love and honor my husband (who was having a “Let’s pick on my wife” kind of day) when I feel like a ten ton truck is running through, over, around, and under my head?

It’s a hypothetical question, of course. No matter how I feel, I still have the Holy Spirit within me, and I can still choose to follow or ignore His voice.

I wanted to come back from the weekend victoriously triumphant of my successful obedience to God’s word (hello, pride, not good to see you again).  I wanted to proclaim how listening to Psalm 119 every morning and night had radically altered my attitude. But the reality is, no matter how much I’ve learned or how much I’ve grown spiritually, I am still susceptible to miserable failures and as I stated previously, yesterday was a bad “grace” day. I failed to show my family grace.

The overwhelming voice of the Holy Spirit beckoned me to humble myself to my husband last night, and I did. We didn’t go to bed angry, but the day was largely wasted on hurtful words and angered silence.

My dad once told me God will take us around the tree as many times as needed until we learn the lesson. Well, I’ve been going around this tree for years. I have suffered with several chronic health problems, and despite diet changes and commitment to take care of my body, I still have issues. However, being in pain doesn’t give me a license to mistreat my family. It never will. Sooner or later I will need to let God show Himself through my attitude while I am sick, not just when I feel great.

Around the tree I go.

As I read Luke 15:11-24 I am moved to tears once again. This story is so meaningful in my life, and it rings true this morning. God hasn’t condemned me for falling on my face yesterday; He has celebrated my return to His way today. He stands with me in my pain and assures me he won’t give me more than I can handle (1 Cor. 10:13). He has allowed this circumstance and He can use it for His glory now that I’ve confessed my pride and selfishness.  There was no room for God to work in my life yesterday because I was arrogantly taking His place.

Today is a new day. I am not a failure but a victor. I don’t always get it right, but I’m beginning to recognize the signs of pride and put them to death quickly on His cross. Whether a prodigal for ten minutes or ten years, He is always waiting to celebrate a humble return to His throne.

“Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

Where much grace is shown, much should be given.

Nagging Emasculation

There are few things more emasculating than an incessantly nagging wife. It sends him the message (over and over and over and over…) that he is not good enough, he’s a failure, he’s an idiot, and he’s completely incapable of being the husband she wants. Living under these circumstances for any length of time a man starts to give up; he can’t do anything right anyways.

I don’t bring it up to say I have conquered this problem. Part of me wonders if nagging is a gene inherent to wives, but I know the truth. Nagging is inherent to my fleshly nature and desire to have my own way when I want it, how I want it, and any cost to my husband’s self-esteem.

“A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day.” (Prov. 27:15) In other words, a nagging wife is tantamount to ancient Chinese versions of water torture. Ouch. The last thing I want is to torture my hard-working husband with my words. Shaunti Feldhahn notes this principle in her book For Women Only, as she interviews thousands of men to find out what they really think about these issues.

“Instead of affirming, a wife reinforces her husband’s feelings of inadequacy, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if we focus our attention on what he is doing wrong in the relationship, we can unwittingly undermine what we most want–for him to do what is right–I discovered a dismaying fact. Of the men I surveyed, only one man in four felt actively appreciated by his family.  And 44 percent of men felt unappreciated at home. More pointedly, men in their prime years of responsibility for home, children, and work–men between the ages of thirty-six and fifty-five–felt even less appreciated. ” (p. 68)

Ladies, what’s going on!? Surely we can do better than that! Biblical standards don’t change based on our circumstances (working or staying-at-home). A glance at Proverbs 31 easily testifies to this. The virtuous woman not only works, but “watches over the affairs of her household” (vs. 27) receiving the praise of her husband and children. I didn’t see anything in that chapter about nagging her husband to take out the trash, pick up his clothes, fix the garage door, or close the toilet seat.

After nearly nine years I have finally given up the battle to change my husband. Instead, I am replacing the nagging tendencies with those of praise and support. God is allowing me to recognize my husband’s deep seated insecurities and giving me opportunities to combat them with supportive attitudes and actions.

I can take out the trash myself, or tear down my husband the second he steps in the doorway because he didn’t do it.

I can keep the house clean so when he comes home he’s not tripping over toys, or I can allow my daughter to do whatever she wants while I’m busy plucking away on my computer, telling my husband I’m too busy to care what he thinks of the house.

I can scoop the dog poop myself, or I can spend an hour complaining to my husband about how disgusting the yard is, scheduling work for him to do on his next day off.

I can pick up his dirty socks from every place but the hamper, or I can send him an angry text message explaining how once again, I cleaned up after him and he needs to grow up.

Simply put, I can keep my mouth shut. Turn off the faucet. Stop the incessant dripping.

I can ask God to replace the nagging words with those of praise and affirmation. I can spend all day cleaning up my husband’s messes, and still choose to tell him how much I appreciate his hard work, refusing to bring attention to his short-comings.

“Men need a place where they can make their mistakes in peace.” For Women Only (p. 71)

I want to treat my husband how I’d like him to treat me. I want to show him–with my actions more than my words–the love of Jesus. I want to actively refuse to point out his faults and choose to let God expose my own. I can forgive his down-falls like Jesus has forgven mine. I can show mercy like I’m given mercy by my righteous Savior. By God’s grace and through the power of the Holy Spirit alone, I can turn emasculation into affirmation by simply seeking God’s desire for me as a wife.

“Your beauty…should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”(1 Pet. 3:4)

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If you enjoyed this post and others, please take a second to click the FOLLOW button on the space provided on the right hand side of the computer screen (or scroll to the bottom of your screen if using a smartphone) and you will receive new posts in your email inbox. This is absolutely free and your information is never shared!

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profilepic3Rebecca Aarup is a redeemed prodigal, set free from over a decade of mental illness, eating disorders, addiction, and more. She now enjoys sharing her story of freedom and transformation with a lost and hurting world, as well as teaching about spiritual warfare and the importance of understanding our identity in Christ.

Rebecca is also an author and freelance writer, having written devotionals and teaching articles for a variety of publications including The Secret Place (Judson press), Evangel (Light and Life Communications), and Mustard Seed Ministries. Beyond writing, Rebecca is a wife, home-schooling mom, and Bible student at Liberty University. She lives in Glendale, Az with her husband Chris and daughter, Samantha.  You can read more from Rebecca by following her on twitter and facebook.

Serving Spouses

“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth.” 1 John 3:18

Yesterday my husband arrived home from work much earlier than usual. Normally this sends me in a panic, having developed a steady routine I don’t like interrupted. I took a moment to refocus on my calling (having just finished writing about it) and prepared to be confronted with ways to “practice what I preach”.

Within a half hour he was suggesting going places and doing things I was completely uninterested in. I found myself blurting out “ok, let’s go” before I even knew what was happening. (Thanks, God.) It’s amazing how well things go when an attitude is changed. Knowing that I was first and foremost being obedient to Christ allowed me to enjoy the process of serving my husband.

There have been many times in the past I grudgingly went along with what he wanted to do, but my horrible attitude ruined the process for us both.  God has used the good and bad experiences to teach me what it means to be a servant-help-meet to my husband. One day my husband, surprised by my attitude changes, exclaimed, “What’s gotten into you?!” Oh, not much, honey, just the Holy Spirit’s conviction!

I’d love to end this note with a “happily-ever-after” statement of my husband’s changed heart for Jesus, but I cannot do that-yet. I do believe 1 Peter 3:1-2₁and the principles it outlines. My husband may very well have a change of heart someday because he saw God’s change in my heart first. It’s not just about being different then I was eight years ago when we met; it’s about a heart change that’s only explained by the supernatural power of the Living God. My husband is still of the thought that “all good things come to an end”, sitting back waiting for me to “get over it” with “religion”. It’s been several years and he’s stubborn to say the least, but I know no matter how long it takes, my calling to love, honor, obey, and commitment in prayer over him will never change, even if he never changes.

Can you imagine how decades of loving service, submission, respect and companionship could possibly affect him? It may take that long, it may not. It may never happen. In any case, it’s what I’ve been called to do. In fact, it’s what every wife has been called to do, regardless of their husband’s spiritual state.

I’ve been counseled by women of faith to divorce my husband over our differences, and, having already been divorced I’ll admit it was enticing at one point. But God hasn’t called me to take the easy way out. I’ve made it clear to my husband that if he ever brought home divorce papers, no matter what happened, I would not sign them-ever. I believe that is what God called me to do; relentlessly pursue reconciliation at all costs and refuse to give up.

In a message a few weeks ago at church, Pastor Pat said something that had me in tears. He talked about doing the best we can with what we’ve been given right where we are, and at that moment God spoke to my heart, “serve him”. That was my calling, that was how I could do the best with what I had where I was-serving my husband. I grieved thinking how often I had an attitude about getting up at 2:30am to make his breakfast before he went to work, and how many times I had refused to do it then complained at the end of the week how much money he spent eating out (poor guy).

I’m not perfect, and confessing my failures being a servant-wife is frequent in my prayer life, however God’s mercies are new every morning₂ and He provides ample opportunities to show love to my husband through service.  I challenge you, if you’re a wife, to ask God how you can better serve your husband today. Not just the regular “cleaning up after him” sort of things, but something extraordinary. Something that would make him exclaim, “what’s gotten into you?!” And if you’re a husband, you’re not off the hook. Loving your wife as Christ loves the church₃ is a high calling not to be taken for granted (in fact, it’s impossible to love your wife as described in Ephesians without His indwelling spirit). Meanwhile, be thankful to your wife when you see she’s making an effort. Let her know you appreciate it and watch her be motivated to do more!

The following Scripture quotes have been taken from the New International Version.

  1. 1 Peter 3:1-2 “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands, so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
  2. Lamentations 3:22-23 “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
  3. Ephesians 5:25-30 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-for we are all members of his body.”

Just Need a Little R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

I awoke at 3:30am to the struggling gasps of my husband. I’m not going to lie, it frightened me. He’s struggled with his weight and some other harmful habits, so I wondered if he was having a heart attack. He got up, gasping, and went to lie on the couch. Later he said he thought he might have had a bad dream, but wasn’t sure what had caused the difficulty breathing.

I found myself praying for him in ways I don’t usually do. Along with prayer, I was reminded of the way I’ve struggled to be a Biblical wife. Our relationship tends to resemble really good friends who sleep in the same house but otherwise live different lives. I know I can’t control how he acts and feels, but I can allow God to re-shape my thinking.

First one on the list is my respect level. Admittedly, it’s hard to respect someone who disagrees with me about nearly everything, especially spiritual matters. Regardless, I am called to respect (Eph. 5:33₁), and submit to my husband (1 Pet. 3:5₂, Eph. 5:22₃, Col. 3:18₄) whether or not he is acting as spiritual leader of the home. (“Submit” in Greek literally means to obey, be under obedience, put under, subdue unto, or subject and “respect” [used in Eph. 5:33] can be translated reverence, fear, or to be in awe.)

Every time I roll my eyes, think to myself how right I am and how wrong he is, talk about him in a negative manner, or choose to do something he has made clear he’s against (even if it’s a church function),  I have disrespected him.

Just because I am a Jesus follower and he is not, doesn’t mean I am any better than him (Col. 3:23-25₅, Phil. 2:3₆). He still commands my submission, as my husband. Most hear the word submit and assume it demeans the woman, involving slave work. I  look at it as “servant” work. I am to serve my husband, whether I work outside the home or not, he is my husband and I am his wife, he is the head, I am the help-meet (Gen. 2:20-24₇). Sometimes that means allowing him to make the decisions, even if they’re not Biblical. Who do I think I am, anyways? Do I not serve a God big enough to change my husband’s heart? Does God really need my help to show my husband “the light”? I think not. My biggest witness will be my attitude (1 Pet. 3:1-2₈).

So I am on a new mission to revisit some books and studies I dug into last summer about Biblical womanhood and living in a spiritually mismatched relationship. This morning I opened up “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn. In this book the author interviews thousands of men about issues like respect, sex, and self-esteem so the entire book is written for women from the view-point of men. It’s an eye-opener for sure.

“Several men confessed that they felt like their opinions and decisions were actively valued in every area of their lives except their home. Some men felt that their comrades at work trusted their judgment more than their own wives did…more than one wife has made the mistake of ordering her husband around like one of the kids.” (pp. 29-30)

Lord, help me.  There is so much dirt in my heart that still needs cleaning. Most importantly I must remember that service to my husband is not an attempt to manipulate or change him, but rather an act of obedience to the revealed will of God in His word. That alone should motivate me. I may not always get my way, and I may have to set aside my desires to allow my husband to make the decisions, but it will be noted by the One who designed the marriage relationship. After all, it is not really my husband whom I serve, but my Lord, Jesus Christ (Eph. 6:5₉)

The following Scriptures were taken from the New International Version

  1. Ephesians 5:33b “The wife must respect her husband.”
  2. 1 Peter 3:5 “This is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands.”
  3. Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”
  4. Colossians 3:18 “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”
  5. Colossians 3:23-25 “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism.”
  6. Philippians 2:3 “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.”
  7. Genesis 2:20b-24 “But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
  8. 1 Peter 3:1-2 “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands, so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
  9. Ephesians 6:5 “Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.”